I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
i've created a new STD.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
