I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Randomize
