I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Randomize
