im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
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