Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
