Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
