Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
