wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
