That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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