NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
