someone threw a dead crab at me
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
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creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
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I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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