thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Randomize
