I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
