i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
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