can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
