Rock
Scissors
Fuck
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
My vagina is very pro this idea
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
