I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
he was CRYING into my vagina
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
