why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
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