Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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