Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
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