I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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