Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
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