There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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