best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
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