we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
