just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
