dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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