how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
