I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Randomize
