I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
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