what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Its about making memories worth repressing
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
