I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Randomize
