if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Randomize
