My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
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