someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
