I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
