i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
