Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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