I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
