So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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