The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
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