spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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