all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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