When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
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