Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
