I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
