I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
