I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
