you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Randomize
