Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
