Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I need to wash the frat house off of me
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
