Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
