Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
