i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
