who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?