You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
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He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
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Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after