I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
