So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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