I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
