please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
we're so committed to being not committed
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
