I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Randomize
