I faked an abortion last night.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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