Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
