my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Randomize
