When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
